Monday, November 15, 2010

history of my thunder thighs

Helloooooo ladies and gents,
Today I was inspired to keep a journal/blog of my effort to lose 102 lbs. I started officially 5 days ago on the 10th of November. The diet is Ideal Protein, much like atkins or zone diet or the like, it's less carbs and more protein. They give you packets that look like astronaut food to eat for breakfast, lunch, and snacks. you eat an assload of veggies but no fruits (booo) and meat. that's about the extent of it. Needless to say, in the first few days I was not thrilled about the rabbit food and craved pizza and vino to the extend that it made me depressed. Yes, i was mourning my pizza and vino. oy.
The weekend had a couple of downfalls, one kinda due to having no choice, and the other because I apparently had the munchies like no other. Saturday night the hubby and I went to see the Transsiberian Orchestra in Seattle and had planned to stop for dinner, but traffic was horrid of course and we got to Key Arena right before it started. I was dizzy, bitchy, and tired, and needed some food. I snapped at my hubby when he said I was "cheating". I needed some food. grrrr. so, hot dog it was. (it was either that or deep fried dried out chicken strips and fries).
Other than minor downfalls, I haven't drank any vino or beer since Tuesday the 9th. That's pretty much a record compared to the last 5 years (with exception of being underway on a ship...which we had no choice). I was stationed in Sardenia (next door to Italia) for 3 years while in the Navy. That's where I met Mike, my hubby. H'e sstill in and about to transfer to a sub. I got out 14 months ago due to being sick of the crock of shit it is... obviously there's still a little bitterness lingering! Anyway, Italy is known for a few things: wine, pizza and pasta, the vatican/ colluseum/ and hot italian men.
Unfortunately there were not very many beautiful movie-esqe Italian men.
Most of them are petite/short and have mullett-mohawks. notttt so much my type, even at my lightest wgt which i hit while i was there - 155 or 160. The sites are amazing, but we're not going there every day. That leaves the essentials: the wine and food, which one much eat to survive right? and blend in with the environment? While i couldn't even fit into their clothes at my smallest, I made up for it in drinking and eating.
By the way, a ridiculous and horrible sounding food, but tastes FABULOUS, was the pizza americana. Yeah, they name it after us....cause it had french fries on it. . . . nice.
I started eating this pizza alot.
Let me explain that before i discovered the pizza and started drinking wine,  i lost 15 or so lbs when i first moved out there. I wasn't working out. i suppose a little more walking and stairs but nothing intense. and i was eating the food. I lost wgt because their food is made differently, and is made locally. More healthy... to an extent.
Again, anyway, the point to babbling about Sardegna and Italia is because many of us brought it home with us. and then continued to pretend we were Italian. I learned to drink by hanging out with Submariners. and Italians. Now that's a combination. I slowly started hating the people I worked for and regretted going to be stationed there and started into being pretty damn depressed. I had little to no support system. I drank and ate to self medicate and it worked... and i grew a good tolerance to alcohol like a sailor. Also, somewhere in there I started smoking. Needless to say by the time the ship left to be stationed permanantly in WA I was somewhere around 190-200.
Mike and I had started dating during the 3 month trip over. We ended up moving in together once we got here, as we had planned before we ever even had our first kiss. He was the only one i trusted enough.
...and we drank and ate horribly. and I drank to forget the day at work which i despised. and continued that trend pretty much until I was discharged in the summer of 09. We went on  a diet once because we had to maintain weight standards for the military, and i lost 15 or so lbs, but slowly it went back to bad eating and drinking up to 2 bottles of vino (myself) a night.
The weight issue and the military did not mix well, obviously, and was definintely an issue. I had to get rope-and-choked (taped and weighed) frequently. I had to do mandatory PT. It all good and dandy and obviously understandable that a blob shouldn't be on the "front lines", but it was humilitating on a constant basis. I was passed over for certain positions on more that one occasion. My rank promotion was held. The higher-ups in charge were damn lying idiots, and they pissed me off..... so more depression and anger, and more alcohol and food. My energy level was shit.  I didn't care. etc.

I did have something to look forward to.... my Mikey had proposed! we had been planning our wedding and honeymoon for August, and that was about the only reason I didn't tackle the assholes and give people a piece of my mind on a daily basis.
I was finally done. :) and 220 lbs.
but not done eating and drinking!
In the year since that I have gained another 60ish lbs, which is quite a bit of weight.
So, bring in the doctors. oh lordie, that's a whole story in it's own.. eeeek
Somewhere in there, still battling depression/anxiety/ADD/fat/etc the docs said I am hormone deficient and neutropenic. The lack of hormones brought on progesterone and estrogen (is some of this due to the fat?). The neutropenia is basically just annoying and after a ton of tests, including a bone marrow biopsy, there's apparently no reason for it. (Neutrophils are part of the white blood cells, and a low count means you can't fight infection). It's a real pain in the ass having no diagnosis for something. ... or multiple things.
So, I worked with my hormone doc for a while, then was told to stop that stuff by another doctor, and when all my symptoms returned full blast (think menopause, but at 27) I went back to her and whined again. This appointment brought up the fact that none of the meds she put me on decreased my weight, and seriously i was sick of being a fat ass and thinking everyone that ever looks at me is disgusted by the way i look.
She brought up The Ideal Protein diet.  I agreed to it before even reading the description (i do that alot unfortunately) when she told me so-and-so had lost 80 lbs in just a few months, so i  got all the astronaut packs of powdered food and went on my merry way, hoping that i would do this diet for more than 2 days.

Fortunately Mike eats what I cook him for dinner. I'm a pretty good cook and, for the most part, can throw random shit together and make it taste good. He's had a couple of beers when  i'm around and surprisingly i'm not locking him in the closet and chugging the alcohol. So far, an unfortunate side effect especially for a redhead, is that this has made me a big 'ol bitch at times. hopefully as my body gets used to the tyrade I'm putting it through that will decrease, for both of our sanities.
By the way, i weighed myself (sans clothes) this morning and it said 274. This may be because I was on a different scale and at the docs office i was clothed, but it gave me some hope.


  1. There isn't anyone who can even pretend to be in your shoes, know how you feel or who's words of supports will even come close to being in the driving force that you need to accomplish this. My thoughts only! I think that you're the only one who has it! And I know you do. I know what it is like to be a thin person then to blow up. Then you get caught up in the infinite depression spiral that only causes more depression and even more numbers to pile up on the scale. But it's YOU MAC! You're the only one that will be able to tame this demon. I think it's a great journey that you've embarked on, an even braver one coming here for the whole world to know! You're failures and success will bring you joy, pain, tears and smiles, but know that you'll have them. You will have success! With much love I send you a "Boa Sorte e boa viagem"!!! - Paula (PS I'm under Daniel's name)

  2. my best best best advice is this: diets are diets, and no one can sustain the same crazy diet for the rest of their life. a diet to lose weight is ok, but you want to lose weight and keep it off. so it's really a lifestyle change. eat what you want, but in moderation. modify your favorite foods! and learn to love cooking, and cooking in a healthier way. you will be surprised at how tasty and rewarding it is. i was. i have had a long struggle with weight, i was 200 lbs at my heaviest when i was pregnant, that was almost 70 lbs i put on, and a baby only makes you really gain about 15-20. and i am only 5'1. i just learned that i am not going to torture myself to lose weight, so i eat what i want, but trained my stomach to want smaller portions, and not have to have that "full" feeling. after a while, it was working! no excersise really, and no crazy foods or diets. just living the way we were meant to. smaller portions. and cheating is totally acceptable. you MUST and i repeat MUST treat yourself. don't go crazy, but if you want a hot dog, girl you go get yourself a hot dog! and don't feel bad about it. because tomorrow is a new day, and yesterday DOES NOT MATTER. take it day by day, forget what you did yesterday. because if you are too hard on yourself for something you ate yesterday, then you will not care what you eat today, because you already "messed it all up". that is the story of my life, and i have done every diet out there. keep it simple, have a glass of wine if you want with dinner, make sure you are happy in the end! i am not going to lie and say losing weight is easy, it's not, but it gets easier the farther you go. and you are going to be so proud of yourself. i also used weight watchers online. it was so fun to put in my weight each week and see the chart go down, and to put the food i eat in, and see what i am ACTUALLY consuming! it is so easy and supportive, even when i gained weight one week. it is a great tool. I wish you the absolute best, do what works for you. you are an amazing human being, and you have my complete support in getting healthier. you deserve to be happy with yourself, because you have always been such a bright light in everyone else's life, especially mine. I can't wait to follow you in your journey, and am very honored you have included me in it. :) best of luck! I'm like the wonder-bra, i give maximum support! :)- Andrea

  3. oh ya, ice cold water with lemon. as much as you can every day, it will help shed 1 extra lb a week! :)